Fat, Beauty, & Brains

On Being Suddenly Sick

2011-08-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

10:52 I can't deal with these symptoms. My face is numb, my hand is shaking when I try to work toolset, my back started spasming around ten as well as the tension. My jaw just locked up a bit ago.
SO:

I took 600mg of Lithium right now.

Today I took:

600 mg at 6pm (I tried 1 450 and 1/2 450 for a total of 600mg)

600 mg at 1:00 pm (started feeling the withdrawls)

11:00pm
Neck cramps, agitation, and so forth. Read article about cramps being caused by Potassium and Magneesium deficency
Laid down in total rictus THEN thought of my new supplements.

Took two of each..45 minutes later..smooth as butter! Normal too! Brain is good! Muscles are good!
Mouth still tastes like chalk..but brain is good.

8/6 Morning after Risperdol: Feel nausous. Also didnt eat anything WITH Am meds. Waited too long. :( Did sleep about 1am. Was hard. brain didnt want to sleep.

Woke up again at 12:00 feel better. Drank Gatorade and ate the rest of the eggs.
(SPENT NEXT TWO DAYS VOMITING)

1:00pm Going to take meds again. Drinking soymilk chai for lunch. Toolset isnt making me sick.

8/13 Thank you, I took myself to Urgent Care on Saturday and they gave me ANOTHER diagnosis, TMJ. The doctor gave me tiny pills of Lorezapan and send me off telling me to relax my face.

I guess it makes sense but there are some key questions:

1. It's been 22 days of this "thing", what was the event that caused it and why?
2. Why did'nt my doctors in Behavior Health send me to a regular physician when I told them repeatedly I was having physical symptoms?
3. I am still not sleeping through the nights when I am sedated. Instead of my face hurting last night, I had restless legs and body keeping me up with a psychotic red anger behind them even.

4. What is really wrong with my body?

I have had:
*muscle cramping over my entire body (kept me awake last night)
*feeling of heavy liquid filling my ear canals and jaws
*lots vertigo and nausea (resulting in vomiting and one of the reasons I could'nt sleep)
*lack of muscle coordination
*my entire body feels so heavy I can't lift it (normally not a problem)
*my mouth tastes weird. All food tastes bad except fruit and soup, (its weirder than the usual lithium taste. I've been throwing away things I normally like to eat)
*dry mouth and sex.
*sore upper back
*I gained back the ten pounds I lost this summer AND all my pants are too small to be worn as of yesterday. I used to wear them when I was twenty pounds heavier. :(
*Restless spasmodic legs up to my hips
*Vision problems: I used to be able to work with out my glasses but now if I don't I get nauseous.
* Cognitive Problems: Trailing off when people are talking to me, saying gibberish then remembering what I said. I also become EXTREMELY agitated when I am concentrating on something (book, writing, phone call) and I have to get up to release this stress and walk away, usually having to urinate for no reason. (its interesting because the one time I took Risperdol, it turned into vomiting as a stress response, those two days)
*I also have an ongoing chronic infection of my wisdom teeth.
*emotionally because of the lack of sleep, I am loosing my temper pretty frequently.

I have never had any of these problems before. No offense to you, but I HATE going to the doctor and usually have to force myself to go. That's why you've only seen me three times in the last year up until now. I know I am fat and everyone blames a great deal of my troubles on what PCOS caused, and no one wants to touch me, but I am still a person.

Right now I am a person loosing their grip on sanity and health. 22 days ago I could hold a job, a conversation, look for work, drive my car safely, and take care of the house. I lost all of that that this. I want to fix it. I do not believe it is organic to me but a chronic problem.

My Bloodroot Salve Experiment

2011-06-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

So after much research I made my own bloodroot salve.
It's actually more of a poultice.

Its made of:
Pure Olive Oil
Pure Cosmetic Betonite Clay
Bloodroot Tincture
Pure Lavender Essential Oil

So far it does as the supporters say. It ate away and inflamed my mole, but for some reason had no effect on my sebeacous adenoma both applied at the same time. It is red and scabby but NOTHING as dramatic as the pictures of the people using the zinc chloride version. It's gentle, applied easily, emoilent, and smells nice.

I just hope it makes my lifetime mole and these polyps on my nose go away because my Dr. just ignored them.

The Horrible Silent Scream..

2011-04-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

So I say I am coming into work to update some paperwork. And my supervisor calls me and says there are some things we need to talk about.

They lost all my key irreplacable paperwork and did not make copies of it. They lost my Stars information and now I see I am not even registered on their database that I took the training.

Of course did I make copies? No. I trusted and hoped.
And I wonder what they must think of me from the other side of this all. I am tired of blame being shifted to me. I feel it..I feel the slack and the claims that the mistakes of the ones above me being shifted to me and I can't bear it.

I will leave and I will leave quickly. I cannot take the disrespect for my commitment and my attempt to do what is right and what is whole. I cannot understand why I must bear the burden of responsiblity for the whims and words of spoiled over-indulged children repeated to parents who take it at face value.

Maybe I have good reason to feel defensive. From the otherside of the mirror I see an overweight middling aged woman dressed in child-care comfortable clothes, who barely wears makeup, with bad skin, and bad eyesight and rotting teeth.

Her only pleasures in life are virtual.

The incredible pain and sickness she feels cripple her movement and limit her ability to enjoy a normal life.

And within that..deep within that shell is the person lost in the haze of that pain-clouded mind.

I fear this meeting. I remember that I am suppose to tell the truth. But the truth is angry in me. I don't know what happens elsewhere. This time I will have to ask him to be less vauge because otherwise the dreading of a meeting fills my mind for days.

OF course I am angry. At myself mostly for not being better. For not being able to go past the 50% I can do.

I must try to be wise and access the clarity and the intelligence inside me. For a few hours be the 100% good one I know I can be. I hope. I pray.

Back to Writing

2011-04-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

So I am back to writing. I am trying to be positive but being online has never made me feel MORE alone.

So I howl.

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T19:04:00.000-08:00

Everytime I breach the subject, he evades and ignores me. What will the new year bring? Am I ready to be on my own again in all my faculties? Will I ever live a life of warmth and security?

I suppose no one truly is secure in this world. I take my floating thru space and time for granted. I have been lucky. I am in one piece. Or two pieces as I really am. I have a job for now. Am I loved?

It is very hard to be loved from a distance. And the fact I can not love myself is enough to drive me to not reach out for companionship from others. I regret that but it will take a long time to purge this constant feeling that I am terrible, hideous human being that should not inflict themselves upons others delicate and righteous senses.

A gift, a mention of affection, a token of something between us; anything really would change everything. I mean what am I a? A woman of stone and leather? I pretend to be all tough but there is still a bit of that idealistic little girl who would like a bit a shiny to reassure herself she is still loved.

Am I still loved?

Dur Dur Dur, I am a Terrible Writer!

2009-12-26T12:19:00.001-08:00

Man I have gotten rusty. Reading my Avatar post is painful. And the sad thing is I can't remember the scientific words for human reproduction. Like parthenogenesis and what we call celluar development that occurs in according to the fibronacci sequnce and the lreation between whole sprial dna, spiral celluar development, and the bilateral development of a fetus. I don't even remember the acutal words and I suppose I should look them up and open my "brain closets" again.

While being sick from this creeping sinus infection I suddenly found myself remembering my old life and the time I had one of these infections for weeks and weeks. I was going to herbology classes and we had to do a special field trip and I was a driver. So I had to go, coughing and phlemy as I was.

One of the guys in our class was older, maybe in his late 40's and he was studying to be a healer. He also had HIV. And that day he prayed for me and offered me some osha tea or tincture for my very terrible resistant cold. And very soon that cold went away. Echinacia never worked for me, I think it acutally weakened me more so finding a herb, the sacred bear-herb stregthened me and in the past I used to to stave off many colds and flues.

Then I forgot. Being with Jon was like a great forgetting of myself and I suppose I drove myself to that by trying to be more like him. I was a child of nature in my own pathetic way. He is well, a computer-loving couch tuber. And in away I loved him for that because it released me from all the deeply ingrained feelings I had about TV, the planet, exercise, and so forth. It was really hard for me to relax because of all my opinions and my lists of can and can't do. Jon was like a big huge relaxing bath of conventionalism.

It was relaxing letting go finally and not worrying about everything. But then I also shut down all my creative outlets. I shut down my ability to be with people. I shut down my ability to function as a professional. To this day I don't know if there was a reason except being tired. Being me had obviously gotten me no where.
And being me has kept me alive but my life has'nt changed much since my college days.
It's still about dirty apartments, room mates, cheap food, and consoling myself it will just get better in a few months or so.

Avatar: Improbably Anthromorphasized Alien Biology

2009-12-25T11:51:00.000-08:00

So I must first say that I know this was produced by the director who easily find the plot lines that appeal to the highest common denominator. But I am a sci-fi nerd and a amateur writer who someone will probably plagiarize at one time or another.

So here is my list of annoyances with Avatar are far as my understanding of science is applied:

1. Why kissing? And why assume that an alien species, with bare neural relays so readily available, kiss like humans do. I half-expected the female to say "Wtf are you trying to do Jakesully?" at first. Luckily they didn't do too much for the sex scene but again here we are looking at the implication that Navvi reproduce/mate like human mammals. They should be completely divergent from humans. Not to mention the one veiled refrence Sigourney Weaver's character makes to their ponytails as sex organs "You'll go blind if you play with that too much."

We see children and infants so they must come from somewhere? And therein lies a missed chance for really fleshing out a true alien species. The "females" have breasts so one assumes they are some type of mammal. They could be born from eggs? Or marsupials? Or like seahorses Or coral for that matter? They could come from the fluffy white sprites floating around? Anything but mediocre human stuff.

2. Why are all the animals featured six-legged and the Navvi only have four legs? Biology follows certain rules so say if they did come from an ovum of some type and evolved all on the same planet, the mammal-like animals and humans would have equal limbs and digits just like they do on earth (in general). I think it might have been too expensive to give the Navvi extra arms.

3. All of the animal life featured close-up have ventral breathing holes in their chests. Navvi don't.

It all makes sense on one level. Humans can't relate to aliens that are not human enough to relate too. And what is predictable symbolism without dimwit relatable "everyman" and a noble savage tribe plot line.

It is a beautiful movie without a doubt. But it leaves them with a few problems:
1. What to do when the ships in transit keep arriving for the next five years?
2. What do you do five years in when and if the Earth starts sending serious troops and such to get its new resource back? I am sure someone will be like "lets nuke Pandora and clean up afterward"

Suicide

2009-12-11T20:22:00.001-08:00

Everyday is a constant struggle for me against the voices in my head telling me I am worthless. They get in the way of everything, my sucess, my ability to pay attention, and I am always seeing where I made a mistake. I am always wondering what minor slip-up in my weakness will lead to me getting in trouble with my supervisor. Or that someone will see the truth. I am unfit. I am incompetent. I can't function without coffee. Kids disrespect me mainly because I am ugly. Their parents don't like me because I am ugly and badly dressed and my clothes are either too loose or too small or too short. My hair is thinning. My skin is rough. My eyes look sunken and I still have acne. The disease is ravenous. I still somewhat think that this is a punishment for pride or sin.

These were the most wasteful selfish four years I have spent in my life. I gained nothing but weight. I gave up everything for the semblance of change, love maybe. I remember the feeling, that wonderful thrilling feeling that moment where you know you want someone and then they want you to and you are touching and living and breathing. It is white light, clear joy, and wonderous aching. I think I can be satisfied with not having a child. I think because of being able to feel that the few times I have felt that feeling, I don't need to worry about living anymore.

I've done so much in my life. I have fabulous stories of every color to tell. I have made friends with so many kinds of people and lived so many interesting lives.
But it is all in the past, or seems like it is in past permenantly.

And then I lost all those friends. I lost my husband probably. I lost a home of my own and all self-respect.

Everday I have three things to look foward too, my cats, what flavor of soup I will eat, and the warmth of my single bed. Sleep is really my only sense of peace. I lay there and I imagine so many things.

I imagine myself back to my normal size, wearing a pink satin evening gown and lace-up boots, my hair glorious as it once was, and there is a man there who loves and worships me.

I imagine I am walking through fields of Dahilias.

I imagine I have a semi-rustic cozy house and I am a stay-at-home mom. I make cocoa and take care of my three kids. We have a lovely garden on an old farm with apple trees.

I dream my love is lying next to me, his hand resting on my waist as I sleep. He pulls me close in his sleep pressing himself close to me.

But then I imagine what I really should and could do. One day I will put my cats to sleep sparing them the torture of being in the shelter. Then I will drive all the way to Shaw Island where the secret cottage stands. From the beach of ground agates, I will launch myself in a canoe into the northern sea after imbibing a large amount of my meds. And hopefully I will die and then freeze to death before being swallowed by the ocean finally. I have survived many times in the undertows and I found drownding nearly has been the most peaceful seconds of my life.

I think the dreams will sustain me through to the otherside.

Dieter Martin I am Sorry! And other apologies.

2009-12-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

First I would like to say that I am writing this for all my friends whom I feel I have wronged. I would like to assure you that I am miserable and living in a 12 X 12room, sleeping on a single bed, and have no possessions save my POS car and computer.

Topping the list at Number 1:

Dieter Martin I am sorry. What I did was reprehensible and the reason why I did not continue having a relationship with you is because I could not forgive myself for what I did to you in your innocent state. You were kind, calm, and perfectly sweet. You and I had much in common but I was in a crazy spot where substances and power were effecting me in evil and adverse ways. In essence I was going through an evil phase after a lifetime of being extremely good. I should've stayed, quit all others, and eventually married you. It would have saved me from so many painful things and places.

2. Ryan Bird I am sorry. You were my first real reciprocated crush and second mania. I bent too easily and obsessed too much as is my nature. I regret ever putting so much energy into chasing after someone who obviously did not want to be tied down. I never read the last letter you sent me. And in my desperation, in my naivete, and I bent to please others and forgot to protect myself.

3.Jerry Iverson, Tamlin, I am sorry. I, in a mania again, helped you loose one of the people you loved the most in this world. I should have left you alone. Once you were done with me I should have left you alone. But instead it became my mania. Because of you I died for six years of my life, six years that should have been the best of a young adult. I suppose I was punished extremely. That passion you showed me still makes all others pale and I am ruined.

It's a Hard Life

2009-11-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

So am recovering from having to sell most of my personal belongings and most of my tools for outward expression. I am recovering from being thrust from a co-dependent relationship into single life. I am recovering from being on Abilify and a numb narcoleptic zombie. I am a recovering recluse. I am thankful for my new job which gets me out of the house twice a day and gets me out with other people. I am thankful I don't have a supervisor looking down my neck and micro-managing me. In fact this is the first time I have'nt been micromanaged in years. Even Jon micromanages me.

On the upside I am too thin for my big pants and still too big for my smaller pants. I have more energy and my legs have more muscle definition. I hope by the time I travel again I will have reduced in mass enough to fly comfortably.

Walking in the Woods

2009-10-18T11:56:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to regain my endurance I have started walking every day. It helps me greatly with all the negative thoughts I have. And I found a pound of Chanterelles yesterday. This is sadly not in the Firefox spellcheck dictionary. I would think that like many words it would come up a lot among mushroom enthusiasts.

Today I found nothing but decaying mushrooms and some latin names I am not going to try to spell but were definitely not yum-yum mushrooms but bleh-gross mushrooms.

Recently there was a sweat lodge ceremony in Arizona and I had a thought. People were paying nearly 10,000 to go to these things and it resulted in a few deaths and someone has kidney failure. Which led me to remember the Red-Capped Amanita mushroom aka Soma aka the Berserker mushroom. It was a pretty negative mushroom used by shamans all around the world to induce visions. It causes stomach discomfort and vomiting if it has been prepared right. IF it has'nt you get death and kidney failure and all that sort of thing. I am not sure if peyote can cause this and I am pretty damn sure that blue staining mushrooms don't cause any of that at all. But it was my first impression of the story; that someone decided to do a heavy dark ritual with a bunch of people and did not prepared the Soma correctly or gave people WAY too much.

What really weirds me out is people are paying $10,000 to put themselves in the hands of dubious shamans. I really never thought that anyone that was really dedicated to sharing mystical spirituality with people would require them to pay them huge amounts of money. And worse then be administered illegal drugs. Of course if they are Native the drugs are'nt illegal and so forth. But still traditional Native American sacred medicines are powerful stuff.

My room mate that some mushrooms even have a anti-protein binding action which could suck for me. I don't eat a lot of wild mushrooms so I am not too worried. My low-carb plan might have a hiccup but no more when I dip into McDonalds.

Speaking of which; WHY DID I EVER GO BACK TO THAT PLACE?
Hub and I used to go there all the time and order a mess of double cheeseburgers. That terrible boy got me back on the fast food after years of eschewing it. It is true McD's of Canada are incredibly better than in the USA due to the fact they have higher food standards there. But I ordered a simple meal off the dollar menu and by the time I was done nearly 2200 calories! 2200! Two double cheeseburgers, small, yes small fries, a sweet tea (yuck), and an apple pie. You can't do right there!
So I am leaving it alone now and eating my soup and bread and veggies alone.

Goddess No.9 where are you?

2009-10-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

So I returned to my once hometown. Many things have happened to my friends. But none of them has contacted me in any attempt to get together. I suppose they think I am damaged. They all have kids and I am still trapped in this mode of life. I like the rainy colder place. I feel more like my old self and sometimes I forget the constraints that fat mentally makes me put on myself.

I bought a pair of Right Fit LB Houston pants. Last ones on the shelf, size 8 tall which is a nice way of saying 28 tall. But they fit me seamlessly and perfectly. In fact I didn't know what to do with all that lack of extra material in the legs and hip areas. And I went to a job interview and did pretty well despite having a terrible headache for most of the day. I wonder if anyone reads my blog? I know I did'nt make it onto the fatosphere rss feed because I am not prolific. But life has been hard as of late.

Had I known I might have gone with the "get-a-job" before I get to Olympia plan because there are a lot of homeless people around. And the rains come down in thick and consuming mists and for a time we all will rest in peace.

She Rides Again!

2009-08-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

All aboard the PCOS diet train!

The Natural Diet Solution for PCOS and Infertility

http://books.google.com/books?id=2bpWLux--uwC&pg=PA47&lpg=PA47&dq=pcos+ancient&source=bl&ots=XGfPkLM-gt&sig=VDAIsncaUxUj4d45SS7faAPKymQ&hl=en&ei=m5aNSqc-iaa0A43p_dsO&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3#v=onepage&q=pcos%20ancient&f=false

So again I am faced with cutting out carbs from my diet. I don't have to cut them out entirely, just pick one or two times a day when they are part of my meal. I also stocked on veggies and I am trying lessen dairy to one serving a day.

IT IS NOT A DIET!

It is merely some simple changes to make my PCOS life better. That's right. I keep telling myself that as I finished off my first meal from a Sonic Drive-In evar. Tots instead of fries does not strike me as a low-carb option.

Fast food is a total fail for me. Ever since Grandma has been sick I have seen it as an escape from the dullness of catsitting and the running back and forth to the hospital. But as this thing has drawn out I find myself thinking I need to be rewarded. I should reward myself with a movie or a nice shirt, not more fries. I have to stay away from fries.

It is not really about my worrying over being fat. I accept the fatness as a state of being I can't correct. It's about ending up in the hospital with no insurance. It is about not pushing myself into diabetes. It is about learning to exercise outside again, not just hiding inside where no one can see me. It is about hiking up that mountain again and reaching the top!

Remember Me?

2009-08-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

Dealing with all this family since my grandmother has been sick reminds me of how I used to think about myself. I look back at all those photos of me, thin, beautiful, not at all chunky. I was the perfect size to be a plus model if I had had tits.

And all the time my brain was polluted with flith. I was ugly. I was not sexy. I could not have a normal relationship. Men did'nt like me. It is really strange looking back at things. Was I really such a mutant when I was thin? I threw myself at guys. Even totally unacceptable guys and they seemed to sense something so young and so wrong about me they just steered clear.

I really really needed to be transformed. I needed an sexual awakening that was deep and encompassing and warm. I needed to be gentled into the flock as a woman. So I could feel that deep power within and that I could straddle the world with my hips and just LIVE.

So here I am now 34 and size 28 and 5'11. I am more of a woman than I ever was. I am more of belly than a woman THAN I ever was. I am educated. smart. clever, and disabled. I have SO much to give this world, but I don't know how to give it. I know I should be working alone. I know I can write but something is stumping me.

And fat lingers on. It covers me and controls me. I think about it with every little thing I eat. I even think small. I had 4 chicken nuggets and a cheezeburger today with a coke. I threw most of the coke away and didnt eat half the bun because it grossed me out.

So how does a fat educated woman in her thirties find a job before it's too late?

Finding Men Who Admire and Love Fat Women!

2009-08-14T19:32:00.001-07:00

Try the matching site at Dimensions.com. http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/forums/

Many people think it is just a site for weird fat fetish guys but many many normal men (and women) who love large women are part of this community. In the BBW forum I have read many sucess stories of women who met their mates in their chat service as well.
It's a great place to give it a try and know you are meeting people who will respect and honor your goddess body.

(plus it is very multi-cultural)

My Mother Does Not Get It

2009-08-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

My mother does not understand what fat is. Nor does she understand that fat people have regular sex, can and will do normal things, and can possibly enjoy life in the least. She has this specter over her shoulder her entire life. this fear; and here I am the manifestation of that fear.
It's like a poison. Maybe she doesn't even know about the poison she spreads? I just don't want it passed on down to the grandchildren.

Its a horrid place to be. She thinks size 18 is fat. She is full of shit. She would not know Fat if it bit her in the ass. It never has. She thinks she will live longer. I think she will burn out like candle without any tallow to sustain it. Just like my poor grandma who is about to go into surgery tomorrow. She hopefully has enough to sustain her.

I am so pissy about this issue though. I have regular SEX! When I met my husband I was a size 24-26. We did it all the time. He is no airy fairy either. We had to be honest and we had to figure things out but we did it. And we learned tantra together. We liked having sex and I must admit our new bed really is what ruined it for us. Being too squishy made it near impossible for me to really connect right with my husband. And I of course mentally equate a happy sex life with happy happy life.

It seems she thinks happiness is connected to weight but if there is anything that I have learned is that I can be happy, be fat, and be me. I can be satisfied with the clothes I have. I can walk. I can swim. I can play. I really can. I can hike even. And if moving to Montreal means I hole myself up in an apartment and never come out, I will be doing myself a disservice. At least I learned that.

Generations of Fat

2009-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

My grandmother was a dress model in Los Angeles in the 1940's. By today's standards she was close to the ideal but for back then she was slightly puny. I came to visit her to sit her cats before she went on a trip for her 80th birthday. The day before she was to leave, she woke me up and told me she needed to go to the hospital. So for the last few days I was calling everyone, answering phones, watching the cats, and taking care of things. She looked bad for awhile and with the drugs running through her she was ready to give up.

But now she won't/can't eat. I noticed she was barely eating when I came and with me there she was eating much more than usual. She complained about being weak and had a tendency after walking to get the fades. I think she might be starving herself because she is afraid her lack of exercise will make her fat.

My aunt showed up and she is barely eating too. She still won't buy new clothes even though she has lost a lot of weight since her hip surgery. She bags around in sweats. She is afraid to let herself be well her. At least that is what I think.

So my aunt got really upset understandably and told my mom if she wanted to see Grandma alive she should come here. So my mom came from Texas for seven days. Mom says she is diabetic now. It sounds weird. She doesn't take shots for it and I wonder if some Texas doctor told her that because his head was'nt screwed on straight. She is afriad of food too. Bought a turkey burger at Red Robin and did'nt touch the fries or the bread. Mom is very thin now too, size 12 ish.

My uncle, who is thin as a rail, at least will let himself have a burger and a beer but he still wakes up every morning and jogs 20 miles in the gym. He says he hates running. But he jokes a lot. And he lives in Hollywood/Los Angeles though.

Me, I am size 26/28. I shop at Lane Bryant. Life is not exactly what I planned it to be. I look like them. I know my cousin struggles with her weight too and is a big girl just like me. So is my both great uncle's families, all fat.

Note I haven't seen most of these people for seven years or more. And I am currently on a ne'er-do-well cross-country trip across the US of A in my beat-up truck with no job. Was coming here a mistake? Will Grandma celebrate her 80th in the ICU at Podunk General Hospital in the middle of the barren pinkish desert? Will I be forced to stop being as nice as possible? I think I will just stay out of the way for now.

The Thong

2009-08-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

Today was 5 for 15 undies at Lane Bryant and whilst digging through the many panties I found a hot pink lace thong. I haven't worn a thong since I first met my husband and even then it was one made by Hanes bulk undie pants from Kmart.

Should I wear it? I think it would go nice with my Rago girdles. I think about what it takes to be a paysite model. Is it a thong or a dream of being something else? An object perhaps?

Fish Tacos

2009-08-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

Since I have returned to Southern California I have redsicovered my love for Baja style fish tacos.

I hope its not taboo to talk about eating food in a FA blog. The fish taco with its golden fried goodness and delicious cabbage and creama sauce it a memory from by when I used to visit Mexico as a teen. I don't know if I really helped many people. I was part of the drama team and well we did drama and dance about Jesus. Yep dance about Jesus. And I did puppet shows about well Jesus. It was a good time in life when things were very clear cut and I was a shapeless teen. I still thought I was fat and I kept everyone away from me. I was not fat. I wasted so much time because my mother could not accept me for what I was. a thick, Norwegian built girl.

And I liked fish tacos.

Fifteen Fat Truths

2009-08-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

1. Fat is repulsive to everyone and normal people are not attracted to fat people, only weirdo fetishists.

Fat people are attractive people who have normal relationships. They have sex and they have children. Theoretically if fat really was that replusive, by natural selection, there would be no fat people.

2. Fat is everyone's business. It is rather like pregnancy; it is a public thing and people are entitled to look and even touch

Fat is a private journey in which others need not involve themselves. I still cannot imagine the sheer egotism of someone who believes they need to intervene in a fat persons daily life or inform them they are as they already know, fat.

3. Fat people don't exercise

It is hard to go outside and exercise when you fear you will be screamed at by people as you jog, hike , or whatever. Fat people in fact do exercise, Sumo wrestling for example or wherever we can in security and safety. (ok that was a joke)

4. Fat people eat a lot of food
Since most fat people are suffering from either genetic predispositions or endocrine syndromes one can argue that fat people really do try to eat normally. They have struggled with crazy diets, surgeries, and even drugs to not only eat normally but absorb and process calories correctly.

5. Fat friends make you look better

Fat friends are good friends. I don't know about making you look better. They certainly can't take a bad personality and make it look for attractive.

6. Fat people get sick more often

Everyone gets sick. It just happens someone tends to be counting if fat people do. Sadly it is bad doctoring and focusing on fat instead of non-fat related issues that end many people up in the doctors in the first place.

7. Fat children need to be put on diets
Most children go through a chubby phase. So do puppies and kitties and any young animal preparing for lots of growth. Stunt them by refusing them food while in a growth spurt and you can stunt their brain development, body development, and derail normal events like puberty.

8. Fat people choose to be fat
I find most people I talk to did not choose to be fat. It is more like fat chose them whether by eating or endocrine or genetics or family inclination. But I must admit there are those who choose to grow as a lifestyle.

9. Fat clothes encourage people to be fat
I would rather hate to live in a world where clothes did not fit me. Wearign clothes that fit is the first liberation a woman can make in fat acceptance.

10. Seeing fat people in prestigious positions encourages others to become fat
Seeing fat people in prestigious places actually encourages fat people to feel normal, togetherness. and proud.

11. Fat people make children fat, not just their own, but others
A fat teacher will not make your children fat even if they do allow the little dears a cupcake now and then.

12. Fat people refuse to diet
Most fat people know more about diets than skinny people.

13. Fat people are lazy
Tell that to Oprah.

14. Fat people are stupid
Tell that to Sonja Sotomayor.

15. Fat people are unaware they are fat
This always kills me. People can't stop reminding us of what we see in the mirror.
We know. We are here. Get over it.

Fifthteen Fat Lies

2009-08-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

This is my manifest of all the lies that make up the meme of fat hatred:

1. Fat is repulsive to everyone and normal people are not attracted to fat people, only weirdo fetishists.
2. Fat is everyone's business. It is rather like pregnancy; it is a public thing and people are entitled to look and even touch
3. Fat people don't exercise
4. Fat people eat a lot of food
5. Fat friends make you look better
6. Fat people get sick more often
7. Fat children need to be put on diets
8. Fat people choose to be fat
9. Fat clothes encourage people to be fat
10. Seeing fat people in prestigious positions encourages others to become fat
11. Fat people make children fat, not just their own, but others
12. Fat people refuse to diet
13. Fat people are lazy
14. Fat people are stupid
15. Fat people are unaware they are fat

Women Destroying Women: A Feminist Conundrum

2009-07-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

Throughout my school years I have been influenced by strong women who have transcended many boundaries and who have attained a level of wisdom I hope I can someday attain.

And I have seen the other side as well. I have been reading a great deal about our struggles as women to work together in all female workplaces. Feminism has idealized our emotional literacy and our ability to create a nurturing feminine work environment. But even those who deeply believe in equality for women in general turned out to have deeply sexist personal treatment of other individual women who do not exhibit signs of being physically perfect.

It is a pretty serious how critical women can be of other women. For example my socialization in the white lower-middle class protestant tradition had an entirely different set of rules that link back to the deepest darkest times of oppression which effected my relationship to the world.

And as they treated Women as chattel, we had to use alternative methods to excise control of our lives. And to this day in women's relationships both intimate and professional it is easy to fall back on those deeply primal and tribal reactions to conflict and criticism.

Here is a qoute from an article in Salon Magazine about the book mentioned here:

"Actually, as "Woman's Inhumanity to Woman" demonstrates again and again, most women can vividly remember being on the receiving end of this kind of damning, potentially ostracizing disapproval; what we "forget" are the times we've dished it out.

This kind of pressure, as Chesler goes on to relate, is typical of the emotional tactics women use to coerce each other. Groups of women tend to espouse an "illusion of equality" (and uniformity) in which variations from the norm are seen as dangerous betrayals. "Any expression of anger or the introduction of a tabooed subject may result in the group's scapegoating of one or two of its members," she observes. Because one of the biggest taboos is against any overt display of female aggression, these attacks are invariably covert, indirect and maddeningly unexplained -- which makes them especially devastating. "Most women have a repertoire of techniques with which to weaken, disorient, humiliate or banish other female group members," Chesler writes.

Because women tend to place tremendous value on belonging, they can experience exclusion from the group as a kind of death."

But I again I wonder to myself how does one develop a meta-awareness of these passive-aggressive tactics against our own kind and even against those males in our lives?
And how do you train to develop emotional resilence and professional ethics when you find your primal responses are triggered by conflicting emotions?

What do you do when you are suddenly flipped from alpha to beta in the pack, or just plain kicked down to the scapegoat? Should educated socially aware women be doing this?

Check this out from Charity Village:

"Studies compiled in Phyllis Chesler's groundbreaking book, Woman's Inhumanity to Woman, reveal that there are fundamental differences between how women and men deal with conflict.

1. Women tend to deny that they are competitive. Women are socialized to believe that feelings of envy and hostility are not "nice". This then leads to covert, anonymous aggressive behaviour such as gossip, backbiting, rumours, formation of cliques, and exclusion.

(The "nice" thing was a tremendous struggle for me in martial arts. It was very hard to hit people and even harder to hit them back with the idea that this was fun and sporting" So is intiating conflict and challenging situations that threaten you)

2. Women learn from childhood that belonging and relationships are more important than succeeding or being right.
(Remember playin' barbies right? You be the mom..i'm the mom..you be the baby..ok..i'll be the baby. Ok im crying! No you are not..you are getting the car..ok vroom vroom.."

3. Women expect other women to provide them with continuous and large supplies of nurturance, support, and sympathy.
(Lol. If only we could live up to this expectation, we would all be fulfilled, angels of Zen with no hormones who could pull a Mary Poppins every time the kids get cranky)

4. Women perceive conflict or criticism personally. Since women expect other women to be nurturing, when aggression comes from another woman they feel betrayed.

(This happens to me all the time. Someone tells me something negative and UGHH, I am wounded and it's all downhill. I think they hate me. And when I try to be constructive myself OW! And I find out I have offended someone with my point-of-view..its like walking through a mine-field)

5. Women judge other women more harshly and more frequently than men judge women. This is because women's expectations of other women are so high and unrealistic as per point 3 and 4.

(This pretty much says it all for me. If a woman is successful in some way; her faults are up at the pillory. "She published a series of books!" "But she is fat, I saw her eating food yesterday!" "But she is a really nice person." "She must have issues because she's overwieght..I bet she never exercises.." "She does a great job a gardening, but did you notice how nasty her nails are?" "What shabby clothes, obviously they don't care about their job" "Sure she did a great job on that layout but I heard she slept with the editor to get it published.."

It would appear that in a nonprofit workplace, where there are more women, you should expect a more supportive familial atmosphere. However, to maintain this atmosphere, women may not strive to improve performance because they fear their co-workers may exclude them. Any signs of conflict will be quite subtle with exclusionary behaviours and feelings of personal betrayal."

The weird thing is, I deeply had these feelings about my mother and sister and they with me. When my sister got married it was like she won a prize, same thing when she was pregnant. It would be "Oh you don't understand, being a mom is the greatest thing ever.." whenever I talked about what I was doing in school or what non-profit I was working at. My own mom peppers her correspondence with three things, how thin she is, how much money she is making, and all the prestigious things she gets to do in her high-level work in childcare for the US Air Force.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I like to think that the love is there for our fellow women. I feel it. I have such a deep ingrained respect for my elders, I hate to attempt to evaluate them because I know..that they know what they are doing. Even more so I expect my peers (within ten years of my age?) to treat me as an equal. I don't care if you worked at Walmart or went to Stanford, we have equal experience and have experienced the same greater culture in our lives. How can we do this to each other as professionals, as feminists, and as good intentioned souls?

Being a woman is such a beautiful gift. Hormonally I have been yo-yoed between the biochemicals of both genders and I much prefer myself on the woman side (ok maybe not the PMS part.) It it the deepness of our emotion that defines it and I hope to challenge myself to be aware of the many layers of my emotion and control it in the coming year.

Headless Fatties: Pleading With the Associated Press

2009-07-31T20:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Associated Press and Photography Archivists,

Please stop showing pictures of headless fat people. It dehumanizes people's mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children. It it an invasion of people's privacy and photographers have their permission.

You don't see pictures of headless anorexics? Headless starving children?
I for one would be horrified to see my mother beheaded and put up as some unknown poster child of a media generated "obesity epidemic."

11 % of women have PCOS or some sort of endocrine system issue that contributes to uncontrolled weight gain. I represent one of those women. It is a constant struggle to force myself out into the world when I know that some idiot could randomly take my picture and post it somewhere without my permission as much as that I know that everyday someone will criticism my work and my existence because I am fighting with my condition and my weight.

Everyday is a struggle, but weight and obesity are PRIVATE struggles. We don't need media attention because people already know if we are fat. We know we are fat. We don't need the media to remind us of something we already can see and hear on a daily basis and that is nothing new throughout history.

Focus on something important like how the fight is going against Aids and Cancer and quit providing the skinny fascists more fuel for their worthless crusade against a private issue they have no control over.

Sincerely,

LaBellyGirl

Fat TV

2009-07-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

I can summarize the current shows in a few sentences:

Dance Your A** Off

Angry skinny and professional dancers partners mainly berate and torment their fat out-of-shape partners. Lame Non-Fat judges insult fat performers (esp those of color) who just completed flawless performances and jiggled bravely and beautifully through some difficult footwork. Fat performers are kicked off for being the ones who lost the least weight. Ouch.

Drop Dead Diva
Cute-cute fat girl is possessed by the spirit of a shallow model type. She is shown eating donuts and such once or twice a show usually whilst on the move. MEAN skinny lawyer lady makes fat jokes and personal appearance jokes. Margret Cho is fellow chubby secretary there for moral support when she could've been the lead. Handsome normal guy pines for model ex girlfriend while DDDiva pines for Handsome normal guy who looks right through her. It is funny. She is cute. Score one for FA.

More To Love

Really pretty well employed chubby chicks vie for the attentions of a BHM. BHM walks around with smarmy smirk like a kid in a candy store. Girls are kicked off at random. Girls cry insecure things like "My body keeps men away," "I NEVER had a boyfriend," and "This was my last and only chance for love!." BHM macks on all the girls. Montages show him kissing on them all in various places. He is having fun. Girls are not. Wish girls were smarter. Then again if they were, they would not be on the show. Fun to watch with the sound off. And never wrap yer taters in stretch satin lame'.

And the winners are:

How to Look Good Naked: Cute British senstive nice designer guy takes mostly chubby girls (tho some thin or older) and gives them a mental makeover. He helps them learn to see their bodies for what they really are and then does some excellent photo work with them. A VERY positive show where you can smile and enjoy yourself.

No.1 Ladies Detective Agency:

Mma Precious Ramotswe is a lovely African woman. She glows with an confident and earthy light. It is not a plus size themed show but Jill Scott really shines in this role. She has a lovely romance with a BHM and the show is set in Botswana so it really has a nice interesting vacation feel for us western people.

Fat, Brains, and Beauty

2009-07-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hilda Picture By Les Toil

Yes, I am blogging again. I am joining the many bloggers who blog about Fat Acceptance and I am combining with blogging about fat admirers. Which means I must blog from my chubby genius chair every chubby day. That is my intent. That is my momentum.

A Comment of PCOS

2009-07-31T16:00:00.000-07:00

Metformin makes a HUGE difference for me in that I am not constantly hungry all the time and I don’t get the low blood sugar fades. It also helps you not eat meals of sweets because sweets cause a purging (as in bowels) if you eat them straight with met or if you eat a straight fatty meal like a pound of bacon or three donuts.

I am a size 26 from my PCO and while Met helps me not gain weight, I don’t loose either. But I have gotten over the idea of FAT. I am loved by my partner while I am fat. I still have to wake up every morning and do my job. I still can go outside and have a life.

PCOs worst symptoms are so annoying because they are so disfiguring on the outside. And to heal it, you have to deal with the inside imbalance of your endocrine system. Many people think it is triggered by stress and severe mental/physical abuse and trauma. The body goes into a primal survival mode and encapsulates itself and its eggs to ride out a terrible storm. As well it makes you more ready to act as a primal male in your tribe and as a hunter.

Of course this does not fit into the modern acceptable idea of a woman. But by being gentle and making choices to equalize and balance your internal hormones and blood sugar, life can become good again.